#HappyPride Let's pick a part my dating life...
“Meelah you’re gay.”
“No, I’m not…,” I said giggling.
But maybe I was. This could have been heard from any one of my close girl friends, at any random point during my time at Howard University where I studied, as an undergraduate psychology student. I won’t really go into what exactly made them say this to me over a period of four years, because all of it is anecdotal, specific to me... if you know what I mean. I don’t want to start any stereotypes of ‘figuring out’ if someone is gay or not.
Oh and Spoiler Alert: I Like Women. I Date Women. I Have Sex With Women. Might Marry a Woman.
This is my ‘Coming Out’ story, a peek into my love life. Oh don’t worry, it might be a tad bit more colorful, but just as abysmal and disappointing as everyone else’s, ya know except for your best friend who is in a relationship living her best life (insert ‘who cares’ emoji right here).
I initially came out to my Ubiquity Sisters, though for them it was more like an ‘I told you so.’ This is because I met my first official girlfriend, Whitney through one of my sisters. We met during Homecoming. I had came back to attend HUHC soon after graduating and met her at an outside concert. The attraction was immediate. We hung out, held hands, and danced with each other the entire time. When it was time to go, she walked me to the car. She came with one UBQ Sister, and I came with another, at the end of the night when we got to our cars for some reason, as life would have it, we forgot to exchange numbers. The vibe was real, because as the story was told, we both badgered our mutual friends, my Sisters, for our numbers. Whitney and I eventually connected, started a relationship, and broke up, probably as impromptu and proportionately as fast as we started. While I was dating Whitney, I was living in Houston, TX by myself. I miss her, we used to talk all the time. I disclosed to my dad who I was dating. He was the first person I told that I was nervous about telling. Since Whitney, I have continued to date and pursue other women. I told my mother that I was dating women, when I met this girl from Philly. She was everything, on my mind heavy, and when I came back (by this point I was living with my mother in SATX) to TX, I knew I could not hide my excitement. So, I told my mother. Flat out. I am blessed, both my parents love and accept me, in fact they truly wish I pick a partner that loves, respects, and treats me well.
So, what have I learned? Do I still date guys? How’s the sex? Who is better?
Lemme first start by saying, oh my goodness… some of these questions are really ignorant (rolls eyes). Secondly, I’m very much inclined to say, “If you’re that curious, you should try so yourself.” Everything isn’t for everybody. And I say that, to say this -à I’m attracted to a certain level of masculinity intersectioned with a gentle, protective spirit. I’m also attracted to a pure, positive connection. I’m a young independent black woman, who engages in self reflection, personal growth, and self care. I wish not to deal with power struggles, dating insecurities or visionless spirits. In my opinion, this is what embodies masculinity. That person, I need to find attractive, but I don’t necessarily care if that person has a penis or a vagina (shrugs). Though, I must admit, as I get older I am becoming less sexually attracted to men, read: I don’t want to have sex with them.
If I had to choose a label it’d be Pansexual. I know for a lot of people they would like to classify me as Bisexual. That’s okay, it’s not how I see myself, but I don’t lose sleep over people who don’t pay my bills (shrugs). Honestly, I wouldn’t label myself through my sexuality. If I had to describe myself it probably go something like this: Femme Intelligent, Beautiful, Short, ‘Down to Earth’, Afrocentric, Boujie, Black Artist, Empath, Mystic, Witch… or something like that..or maybe just the ‘Real’ Nola Darling.